I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
