In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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