Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
