I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
