trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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