I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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