Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
