The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
