I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
