Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
