bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
