i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
