We named our party play list daddy issues
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
FUCK WHALES
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
