is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
