My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
