I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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