He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
