My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
