Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
