He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
