is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
