my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
