Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
