there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
