I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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