who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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