Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
