I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
