Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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