I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
