dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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