You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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