You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
