forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
