You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
