The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
