fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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