Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
