Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
