If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
