He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
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It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
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That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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