I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
