So drunk its hurt
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
