My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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