im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
