My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
How does one acquire holy water?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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