Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
50% drunk capacity currently
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
