She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
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You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
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No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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