I accidentally had phone sex last night
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
