ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
