just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I don't deserve a penis
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
