break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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