I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
