my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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