News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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