maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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