all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
